Millenials Aren’t Lazy: They’re Fucked

This is a chapter from my new book, Life Begins At Incorporation, which I am releasing in light of TIME’s trolling ass cover story on lazy, entitled Millenials. I don’t live with my parents and will not “save us all.”

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"How come all we do is talk about money?" — Richie Rich

time

The Great Recession officially ended in 2009. How’s everybody doing? Did you need help uncorking the champagne?

Unless you are a one-percenter who followed an errant link on Twitter, you probably aren’t ordering Cristal for the table.

Our economy has been slowly gaining ground since we bottomed out in the 2008 job-pocalypse. That oughta be good for people, right? But, turns out 121 percent of income gains made in the recovery went to the top one percent of the country’s earners. I’m not sure how you can capture more than 100% of something. It sounds kind of greedy to me. An economist at Berkeley got to that number when figuring in the fact that incomes for most everyone else have dropped. Wages are down, household incomes are down, but don’t worry, these are the job creators were talking about. If you don’t have an employment scenario figured out just yet, wait a few minutes. I’m sure some rich guy needs someone to give his shoe-shine 121 percent of their effort.

Jobs, jobs, jobs! They’re everywhere. The problem with all this job-creation is the new jobs are all worse than our previous jobs, which, to be honest weren’t all that rad in the first place. Some jobs, they don’t even pay money, which is still a thing you need some of to live.

My mother spent the recession in multiple jobs, the most recent of which paid federal minimum wage. $7.25, baby! This is the reason why, when I hear well-paid pundits say that no one except high school kids work for minimum wage, I want to fly to their home, poop on their doorstep, and set it on fire.

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